If alone makes the world a better place, I'll take it.

I've never felt so stupid in my life. I guess I deserved it. But it actually made me realized how I really feel inside..and it has brought me to a new perspective in life, which has never crossed my mind before. I know I'm still looking, still searching for more contentment in life.

It's hard when I always put other people's happiness above me. Up to one point, I feel that I don't deserve to be happy, I'd rather witness others who deserve it. That will actually make me feel more happy. I have sinned. I have hurt others so much. I have broken many promises. I have let down of many people. I can't forgive myself for what I did, and I don't expect others to forgive me. I know I am now living in guilt. And it makes me sick in the stomach everyday.

People keep telling me, think of yourself! Forget about the rest! Think about what you want, think about what makes you happy. It's hard. It's really really hard, cos all this while, I always do things for the sake of others. I'm willing to do anything, even sacrifice my own true feelings just so that I can make a person's life worth living, be it I am suffering inside. But I know, this time is different. This is a serious matter. And it is not something I can take for granted. You will live with it forever. And I don't want to regret it, for not thinking about it thoroughly and ended up not making a wise decision.


And so I did. Whether or not it was a wise decision, only Allah knows. I know perhaps it was a wrong one, that I will regret it. Perhaps, but one thing for sure, I won't regret the outcome of it. I accept any consequences with an open heart, because this is the path that I wanted to sail into. And I have to be braved to sail through the journey alone regardless of many hurdles and obstacles came my way.


Allah knows best. Even if this is the wrong decision, I believe that "Jodoh di tangan Allah". If things are meant to be, it will happen no matter what. But as for now, I resort to being alone because I am content of not hurting others and if that's what makes everyone happy, so be it.