Hate is the word of the day.

Life is shitty today. Argh. Hating it. Hating everyone!

Moving on..

I did it for the best of both parties...I hope one day you'd understand..


Life is not a one easy ride. Who says so? Those who did, I reckon they don't really live a life. They merely live in fantasy. Everyday I tried to convince myself that I am not a bad person. That I did it for a reason. But it's far from the truth. I am a bad person. I did it for no reason.


I blamed myself everyday God knows how I really feel. I seriously know that I don't deserve to love, or to be loved right the moment I broke a person's heart.


When ppl asked, "So what exactly went wrong?". I honestly do not have an answer for that. The feeling inside is indescribable. Hard for me to comprehend. What more to convey it in form of words. The feeling is gone. And sure enough, it is the risk I am not willing to take, when your head says one thing, and your heart says another. It is funny that I used to find it hard to believe that how can you love a person one day, and the next day the feeling just washed away? And when it happened to me, I quietly understand and slowly start to believe that it can happen, that it is not impossible.


All this while I'm hanging on to him cos I'm afraid to let it go, afraid that I won't be having anyone else in my life if I do so. I'm glad that this event happened. At least I know that no matter what, I have to firm myself to believe that it is time to let this relationship go. And it is also a good way for him to realize that we were not meant for each other.


I don't really care anymore if I don't meet anyone or that I won't find that one person I want to be with. At this moment, I just want to be alone. Cos I deserve to be alone. I've had enough of breaking someone's heart.


Really had enough..

Contemplating

OMG, I am really sleepy right now in the office. Please, after this no more late nights for me!

Oh, I'm thinking of buying a Blackberry for myself. Crazy, no? I blamed my girlfriends for this! They influenced me so that we can BBM/gossips for 24/7 like there's no tomorrow! lol.

Btw, tomorrow is the start of fasting month ;) So tonight we'll be having the first terawikh! Kinda excited. Hopefully I won't be too lazy or tired to go. For this year I am determined to go as many terawikh as possible. InsyaAllah.

Okayy. Can't wait to go back home, while deciding whether or not I should get the Blackberry today... should I? or should I not? Hmmmmmmm...

No, it can't be.

You know what? I'm scared that I might become feminist. Not wanting guys in my life. Because from what I see, I don't think that I can see them without the feeling of hatred.

I don't think anyone can penetrate into my heart on how I feel about them now. It's almost near to impossible. I don't even care if I saw couple holding hands, caress each other or even sending love gestures to one another. In fact, I even feel annoyed looking at them. Not that I am jealous (you may think that I am), but honestly speaking, I really do feel annoyed, which I can't explain why. I think all guys are the same. The initial stage of relationship is always the best period. But the longer it gets, the more I feel that every guy is a pain in the ass, and I can't tolerate with them.

Put it simple, I can't change myself for guys. I don't see the point. And I don't see myself falling in love again.

I hope this is just temporary. Cos it does scare the hell out of me!

:)

If alone makes the world a better place, I'll take it.

I've never felt so stupid in my life. I guess I deserved it. But it actually made me realized how I really feel inside..and it has brought me to a new perspective in life, which has never crossed my mind before. I know I'm still looking, still searching for more contentment in life.

It's hard when I always put other people's happiness above me. Up to one point, I feel that I don't deserve to be happy, I'd rather witness others who deserve it. That will actually make me feel more happy. I have sinned. I have hurt others so much. I have broken many promises. I have let down of many people. I can't forgive myself for what I did, and I don't expect others to forgive me. I know I am now living in guilt. And it makes me sick in the stomach everyday.

People keep telling me, think of yourself! Forget about the rest! Think about what you want, think about what makes you happy. It's hard. It's really really hard, cos all this while, I always do things for the sake of others. I'm willing to do anything, even sacrifice my own true feelings just so that I can make a person's life worth living, be it I am suffering inside. But I know, this time is different. This is a serious matter. And it is not something I can take for granted. You will live with it forever. And I don't want to regret it, for not thinking about it thoroughly and ended up not making a wise decision.


And so I did. Whether or not it was a wise decision, only Allah knows. I know perhaps it was a wrong one, that I will regret it. Perhaps, but one thing for sure, I won't regret the outcome of it. I accept any consequences with an open heart, because this is the path that I wanted to sail into. And I have to be braved to sail through the journey alone regardless of many hurdles and obstacles came my way.


Allah knows best. Even if this is the wrong decision, I believe that "Jodoh di tangan Allah". If things are meant to be, it will happen no matter what. But as for now, I resort to being alone because I am content of not hurting others and if that's what makes everyone happy, so be it.

Janda Baik, please be kind to us.

Finally tomorrow is the ever longing getaway weekend trip with my lovelies! Something that I’ve been looking forward to, since like what? Forever? It has been a last minute plan truth to be told. Initially our first option was to stay overnight in Serendah Sekeping Resort. But unfortunately, just like everybody else I presumed that people are chasing for holidays before Puasa starts. The resort is fully booked on the day we intended to go. =(

But to not disappoint ourselves with such a bad news, we were determined to find another best option! Yes, we want holiday that bad, by hook or by crook we’ve just got to fine one destination to go to! And finally after what we called it as grueling brainstorming moment, we resort to Janda Baik! And luck on our side this time, we got ourselves a ROOM! Weeeeeeee.

So Janda Baik, please treat us very good, just like how we expect from the name itself.

But I'm hoping to meet Duda Baik though. LOL.

A start of something new...

Ridicule mind. A reborn of something that is long gone. My passion towards blogging. This will be a start of new life. New experience. New journey. New everything. While the whole world seems to perceive me differently. Here I am, being as ridiculous as I could be, leading my life unlike any other dare to.

Breaking the norm. Breaking the rules. Breaking the predictability.

I want everyday of my life to be as ridiculous as it could ever be.